Teenagers and Mothers

Yeah, I have teenagers. You know the kind with the bitter stares and tongue glaring kind of teens. This motherhood business is not the kind of profession that is as easy as say the 24 hour Walmart cashier or stocker - or yet to make things a little trivial it's not like this daytime sub teach gig I have. Motherhood is a profession left to the powers of magicians, wizards, you know the kind of peeps that hang out at Hogwarts, or hang with David Blane, or get cast into some early episode of a "Charmed" episode with Prue and Phoebe.

I feel I have run out of patience to keep this cheery - good day to you - kind of attitude, when the smiles throughout the house have been tainted and tattooed with ugly frowns. Teenagers do that you know. When I was growing into the mother I am today I couldn't wait to see these tiny pattering feet fit into my shoes, or even outgrow me. I always praised myself or my imagination because I pictured myself to be the kind of mother with the cool music (well that's a given) , not so much a friend, but a mother who raises kids who don't roll their eyes when talked to,  kids who don't need discipline because they are perfect. HA. There is no such thing, if you do have a child like that please keep your smirks and gloating pride to yourself. I raise kids who talk back, (who at any given moment will say whatever is one their mind - if the descriptives include cuss words so be it), I raise kids who defend the person they are (who at any given moment will shout out what they have done behind my back), I raise kids who willingly get into the shouting match ring with me ( words will fly because we don't agree eye to eye, neither of us win, but we respect what the other wants and needs) - The list could go on and on.

 I've just realized

 I am raising kids who clearly are like me -

Strong - Independent - and Outspoken.  

I believe I earned a wizard cloak, the right to elevate with David Blane, and I'll skip hanging with Shannen Doherty this time around. 

HOLIDAY FOOD & SADDLE BAGS = LOVE

Last night I must have laid there waiting for the generic sleep aid med to kick in, I must’ve laid there for an hour waiting for the drowsy effect  to wear in, you know the droopy –heavy-eyelids, nope, there was no drooping of eyelids, yet of course there was a noticing of extra droopage in the hips- MAN – I was so proud when I could fit my flat butt into  all my KEWL HIP pants and put my stretchy pants away – NOPE – the added bonus and extra hugs during the holiday partying and eating is HUGS the 24/7 kind  aren’t from relatives it’s from all the food we’ve ingested. The cheese cake, the chocolates, the candycanes, the cookies, the dark meat from turkey, honey glazed ham, roast beef, mashed potatoes, homemade rolls  smothered with honey and butter– HAVE PLANTED AND CLAIMED A SPOT ON MY HIPS now I’m back into my stretchy pants..eerrmmmpph –yeah, that’s me trying to put on some work pants for my substitute  teaching gig.  Well, get back to the generic sleep aid, I noticed 45 minutes have past, after the initial hour- so 1hour and 45 minutes thinking about my saggy baggy flabby hips and my flat butt. DANG, now, I’m not tired. So, I decide to go and do a few kicks on the kickboxing bag, time is now 2:30 a.m.  I lasted for 30 minutes  doing some good Billy Blanks TAEBO  high kicks, then of course, my darn ankle buckles AGAIN – AGAIN – AGAIN.. This time I refuse to just lay here and use my disability as an excuse, I wrapped it and went speed walking 5 miles this evening.  WHEW, I’m tired and I’m in pain. The ice pack is on my crazy ankle.  I sit here thinking stupid GENERIC SLEEP AID,  for making me notice my flabby, saggy saddle bags, but I must admit that second slice of cheesecake at the third holiday dinner was well worth it. Yummilicious = Saddlebags made from Love.

LOOKING AND LOOKING

There's this thing in my imaginary pocket called a magnifying glass, I look and look and look for hours on end to find one shred of you in the details of my existence, only to be disappointed because I realize you are no longer there, there is nothing physical to remind me that you were ever a presence in my world, however there are memories that come flashing through my thoughts like a flood - I'm sure I need a boat like Noah to help me survive and find ground to stabilize my person. I realize there is nothing I can do to fix the time of which I exist, but oh how I long for another time to see who I would've been if I was given a chance to do a few things differently. Then I remember this is what I chose, this is what I wanted, so it seems I'm the only ghost in this reality.

Hey, I'm not June Cleaver.

You all know 

that the price of food

Is ridiculous, right?
I'm not a
Coupon clipper
Leave that S*-T
To the June Cleaver wannabes
I don't go around
Checking all grocery store ADs
That's just not how I roll
I usually stop at one store
Which is the
WAL-MART superstore
I don't know why I had this theory
that Wal-mart is for super
cheap people like me..READ ON
I KNOW I KNOW
..I vowed to never
Set foot back into corporate
America after
July 4th ..
I ran out of so much crap
the trading post was limited
VERY limited on
what they could
offer me.. that
I had to drive
The horrendous heat beaten highway
To the nearest bordertown, NM USA
I was ill thinking about it
I got to my destination
The nearest Wal-Mart
my kids and I
Run in were going to do this
As fast as possible. I split my list in 2
And the oldest takes a cart and runs
We were out of there in 20 minutes flat
Considering it took 2 hours to get here
Not including my active involvement of supporting
The gas price.. My truck chugged mucho mullah besos to
Get here.
We got everything up on the conveyor type of belt
You put your stuff on
And the register starts going and going and going
I'm getting nervous here.
Total $387.90 for groceries and household needs
Better than last month
This is where it turns into a
a SLAP IN THE FACE --
The cashier says you know
"You can save money just by watching the Ad's
We honor Safeway, Smiths, and Albertsons
Those 4 gallons of milk you
Purchased at 4 bucks each
Was on sale at Smiths for 2.50 a gallon"
I would've saved 6 dollars
A gallon and a half of GAS?
NOW SHE TELLS ME!!!
All this time I have been buying groceries
at full price
dang CORPORATE WAL-MART America for
tricking me to think they were cheap
I am now totally watching those AD's and I figure
Clipping coupons
Wouldn't be so bad
Hey, I'm not June CLEAVER
I'm Just a WANNABE..

(originally written and pulled from the achive circa,  2009)

This isn't the ferris wheel.

To achieve the ultimate opposite of not doing is in listening, acting upon, and being completely satisfied with the energy of the said activity.  The lesson learned is to think before acting. I LEARNED EARLY ON IN MY LIFE as a child, teen- disarrayed youth, and finally as a mother there are rules in order to get from point A to point B with little or no bruises, slashes, splinters,  you know no physical damage (I personally enjoy a little bit of scars – only to remind me that those experiences are not worth repeating)  Back to what I was saying ->  HERE IS WHAT I LEARNED ->  I learned to respect others, I learned family is the center of everything celestial, I learned there are sacrifices one has to make in order to let the other person achieve what they wouldn’t have otherwise, I learned we need to be blind emotionally in order to see what we are given. I learned there are many moments in our everyday lives that make us want to run and hide – the goal is to secretly have a security blanket nearby aka prayer, I learned as a parent – my parents were right! If my kids “hate me” that night, GOOD, I say then I must doing something right.  I learned as a woman who has literally been gutted of internal organs which define womanhood – I don’t need those organs to define who I am.  I am more of a woman, than that prissy chick at the mall with tons of makeup on her face while slinging around a coach purse – PLEASE – I bet she can’t change a tire in high heeled boots. I personally tire quickly from women who sit and wait for triple A to come a runnin – that’s not me – I am Triple A!  There are many lessons, we will learn, experiences that will make us stand back and say “hmmm, now that’s what I call exciting” or “ I will totally regret this” – the situation and realization of its lesson will come when we least expect it , so sit tight and pay the carnival man your tickets to ride this roller coaster we call life. 

PEACE – LOVE and HAPPINESS. 

Family 1000 strong

First off I had to take a breather from writing. I got caught up in the unimportant stuff - you know the nonsense that makes your head spin and makes for a crappy session of dizziness for the next few minutes. Well, it's been a month and a few day's since my last posting, I believe I grew up and matured alot more than I would have liked to within the past month. I lost the silly swagger that comes with being the awesome aunt. I am now the aunt, sister, cousin, niece, and granddaughter that everyone looks up to and depends on. This past weekend proved that we as a family of more than 1000 can gather as one and embrace each other without letting go in fear that moments like this can be lost in an instant. Our family triumphed in love, happiness, and strength as we enjoyed each others company and introduced the newest members of the family to the rest of the Cedar Clan. However, we were also tested as a family, to see if the characteristics that define and bind us through blood will suffice and conquer what would be happening next, the life of a baby was taken before the end of this blessed day, we made it through with more fight than we ever had before, we pulled through for one another, we grieved each others pain, we held one another up and above all Love does heal the aching heart in time. My father gathered the cousins and his children and offered the most humble and pleading prayer, a prayer that I will remember for eternity, because I do believe that families are a blessing and the most sacred gifts we are given by our father in heaven, we are eternal. I am thankful for the time I spent away from this blog, the break has allowed me to see who I am, and what I am. I am also proud to belong to the Cedar Family, I know that my grandparents welcomed home this precious child and eased our pain. Until next time. Take care of one another, remember family no matter how difficult will be your saving grace.

PAST 90mph

I must say that I absolutely love, love, love, love DANZIG, it's the soundtrack of my youth.  I really should be grown up by now but nope I'm the person that pulls every stinking white hair out from my scalp, who cares if there are patches of baldness on my pretty little head, at least you wont see no gray.. hahahaha. Can you see me literally laughing like some kind of lame ass idiot? I miss being careless and wreck-less, there are so many limitations that come with being a parent. I feel I must buy some insane ugly Holiday sweater to kick off the holiday season, Turkey sweater, anyone?  Sorry, but I'm not a lame ass idiot nor am I some chick who gives in and sells my wild soul to the devil in trade for some kind of suburban mommy persona..ummm ewwww. I live in t-shirts, levis and my combat boots when I'm not at work.  I have enough decency to switch out the boots for a decent pair of black ballet flats for my 8-3:30 gig.  Now, on to my story - work conjured up some rather interesting overheard type of news -I found out my kid, the football jock has girl admirers who swoon over him- enough for him to be the topic for a group of girls today, little did they know he was my kid. Poor Girls, I so wouldn't let you come close to my kid!. Sorry, now get to steppin. Lastly, my daughter who just turned 17 this past weekend will be graduating from high school in May 2012 - she has no desire to amuse herself with the constant bickering, gossip, boys, that make a high school a high school, I suppose she's better than that. So, she's finishing a year early, were off to NYC in May - because that's what mama promised her.  Dear Big Apple, we will be there in May !!

Now that's how you do it!

Being the authority while the contracted full time authority figure takes leave for whatever happenstance reason is really making me assess the character that resides within me. The details of this week did not nudge nor push me it kicked me straight into a some kind of funky tripped out magical mirror carnival house kind of thing.

Let me tell you the life of a sub teacher offers no peace of mind, yet it corners you and your fate lies with kids who aren’t old enough to make educated decisions. You go to work one day – excited to be the prime example of goodness, - you know the bitchin sub everyone likes, well – well – well – so not the case.

My intentions to motivate children to do their homework in order to become an educated productive member of society has been thrown in my face – the kids counter reacted and threw their gauntlets down.  They weren’t having any kind of person telling them education will save you from the hells of government assistance, and ignorance.    

What is a person supposed to do? I’ve considered walking out mid-class and throwing my name tag to the front door of the office which led me to the classroom in which everything I have been taught and believed in went out the door (RESPECT AND yeah RESPECT) The environment of saintly kids who only say kind words to each other and respect adults was close to non-exist except for the angelic faces and personalities of few.

The curve threw me into a zone I had never treadled on- disciplining another persons child - first I was using kindness and Christlike mannerisms to settle them down - that didn't work - now the ugly - I was forced to react in a not so nice manner resulting in suspensions, ISS and the principals office. The result to writing kids up- was them retaliating, can you hear them shouting in unison “she’s the mean sub” – uumm Hello, I wouldn’t have dished out that healthy dose of discipline if you were only listening. So, off to the principal’s office you went. Sorry, but I wish we really could have gotten along; you seem to be a nice kid.

That was the week before last, then I devised a plan – hahahaha – poor kids didn't see this coming.  The game “Are you smarter than a fifth grader” was my saving grace hahahaha, I’m literally laughing at this point – my plan was to show them that they really aren’t SMART, as we know ALEC doesn’t go solo.  

The end result after playing were those same problem kids now think I’m the bomb, kewl (finally they see what I’m all about), and to  top it all off (throw that fruit cup to the side) I have been praised by parents who have personally thanked me for showing their children that education is extremely important to the productiveness of their future.  One parent said“My son really likes it when you sub because you’re the first sub-teacher who has actually motivated him to learn” 

Respect has been re-established and the natural order of humanity has been restored -  
NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!   
I can pat myself on the back and revel in my successes

(sshhh, the game required a little incentive in order to achieve cooperation, a bag of Halloween candy was my arsenal )

Definitely

"My real self wanders elsewhere, far away, wanders on and on invisibly and has nothing to do with my life."

 Excerpt taken from Herman Hesse's "Siddartha" novel.